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There was an element of excitement and danger, but alongside that were feelings of loneliness, insecurity, isolation, and shame, the same feelings that made her want to cheat in the first place. After about 30 minutes, he smiled at me, and I thought he was going to ask if maybe we could get coffee again sometime soon, but instead, he kissed me. It’s hard to overstate how intense it feels to be kissed after so many years in a more or less sexless marriage. After that, we decided we’d set a date to get a hotel room. I felt like if I couldn’t even get someone to cheat with me, how would I ever find another person I wanted to have sex with have as a partner.
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It would be a relief, she said, just to tell someone what it was really like. It was the day after New Year’s Eve when I decided I wanted to have an affair. I was definitely nervous at first, but I liked that you can make your profile picture blurry to make yourself less identifiable, that the site offered some privacy. I sort of think about how in the movies, they’ll sometimes bring someone back to life with the electric paddles after their heart has stopped. There was a part of me I assumed was dead and suddenly there it was, alive and kicking. He’s pretty high up the food chain at a major bank, so I know that he couldn’t take time off whenever he wanted. I’d just gotten a bunch of rejections from grad school the day before, too. Then I started wondering if it was my fault he’d canceled because the day before I’d sent him some pictures of me and my dog and he hadn’t responded. Or, I don’t know, just asking too much of him, like I was saying, and maybe he didn’t want that? There was a part of me that wished I could tell my husband about it, just for the support and reassurance, but obviously that wasn’t possible. I got into a good graduate school, which helped a lot. There was a moment where I thought about bringing up the idea of an open marriage to my husband, but something stopped me. And I imagined him sitting at home by himself while I was out with someone else, how terrible he’d feel. In some ways I guess that’s always been the problem in our marriage — my not wanting to hurt him or make him uncomfortable by making plain my needs, my always deferring to him and giving him the power, even when I grew to resent him for it.
It didn’t start in the usual way, with me meeting someone. I was home alone and I looked out my window and noticed a police car outside. He was the one to make all the big decisions about our financial life, our business. I liked that the men had to send me their photos first and I could evaluate them. But I was a little disappointed when he picked a day three weeks in the future. A few weeks after the hotel date fell through, the guy started emailing me again.
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