Sex addicts dating
It is a maladaptive way to compensate for this early attachment failure.
Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.
Sex addicts use behaviors rather than substances as coping mechanisms.
These might include masturbation, compulsive viewing of pornography, infidelity, one-night stands and a host of other ‘acting out’ practices that undermine the ability to form intimate bonds with another human being.
Likewise for the woman who always seems to get involved with unavailable, married men, a truly present, drama-free suitor can be deemed ‘boring.’ These unique challenges can be overcome, of course, but the sex addict will have their work cut out for them. The sex addict is used to instant gratification, and may not have the patience to invest in a long term relationship that builds gradually through shared interests and time spent getting to know one another.
This impossible ‘slowness’ that intimacy requires may frustrate and confuse the addict, who no doubt is in a rush to form a relationship after so many months spent healing in celibacy.
Compulsive sex is the fast food of relationships, and developing a taste for the slow-cooked meal may take some time.
Here the experienced therapist can be of huge assistance by reminding the sex addict that dating is not a race, nor a competition, but rather an adventure into the complete unknown where everything the addict thought they knew about intimacy turned out to be false, and a whole new universe must open up in order to move forward. Before recovery, the sex addict made decisions independently, choosing who to date, whom to have sex with, who to contact and what acts to participate in.
For a man who has spent years, if not decades, relating to porn actresses on a computer screen, encountering a flesh and blood partner can seem unpredictable and terrifying.
Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and attach in intimate relationships.
The syndrome is rooted in early attachment failure with primary caregivers.
Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall prey to sexual compulsion.
More importantly, people who love and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these irresistible urges.
This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which creates impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist.